I Bit the Apple

'Round the hangin' tree, swaying in the breeze....

2006-04-13T06:00:20Z

I am now a metropolitan, sleek, chic woman in possession of a heart of steel, a body of beauty, refined, defined, curvy, lovely; to die for, drop dead gorgeous. Eyes shooting fireworks, in possession of the spark that could light the fuse driving those who witness my ice queen abilities to linger and dream for long proportioned limbs, unwavering impenetrable voice, and veiled shadowed passion. No more passion, no more red, no more lust, no more love…emotions? What are emotions? To be the swirling princess of ice, the chancellor of deception, the queen of blue and black soul less hell, to hide and divide and conquer and cut and break and burn and quench fire with doomed diction.

First it giveth then it taketh away........

And if you think i'm happy....PAINT ME WHITE

2006-04-06T15:40:22Z

I believe in magggiiicccc. Yes I do. Last night I was under attack. My memories firing at me, exploding behind closed eyes, shivering in the cold night air, inhaling the scent of a sweater that wasn't mine. Chocolate yoohoo and pizza...the taste more in my mind than on my lips. Everytime I drink a yoohoo my mind flashes back instantly to hot, sticky summers on the playground in Staten Island, to little bakeries in Brooklyn with wrinkled elderly couples sipping coffee watching children play in the street, to hot lush grass rising with the sweltering steam of water evaporating in the heat, and to cookie and milk kisses under cold Tucson stars. What a strange combination.
This music is making me feel slightly disoriented right now. Or perhaps it is that I am physically sick right now...trembling, unable to breathe, weak, shaky and tired. I am dizzy, whirling, spinning and swirling in my past, present and future. The music of Love. Literally, the group is called Love....amazingly gorgeous 60's music that makes me nostalgic for a time that was not mine, for people who are not here, for a future that has never happened, for a past I cannot claim, and for the blossoming of things still enshrined in bitter hard shelled seeds beneath the ground.

Waiting for the sun and for water...waiting for the chance to blossom into a beautiful rose beneath a desert sunset exploding crimson and magenta behind the blackened shroud of my memories

Yes....I believe in maaaaggggiiiccc. To me magic tastes like yoohoo, has the scent of summer, feels like warm
sweaters on cold nights, and sounds like Love.

So if you're lonely, you know i'm here waiting for you......

2006-03-28T06:24:49Z

TAKE ME OUT!

The Franz Ferdinand/Death Cab 4 Cutie concert was amazing...Lily and I had a blast! It was totally worth the fact that I am going to have to stay up super late to study for my gay spanish test tomorrow. Oh man, Franz Ferdinand was wayyyy better though...Death Cab had nuthin on them.
Also, I believe tonight was a night of Beshert. Beshert, which is Hebrew for "it was meant to be" is the name I chose for myself in my english class (where we had to make up names) because I am the oxymoron of Beshert. Beshert is something I have believed in and tried to live by, yet has never happened. I have meant everything to be, while nothing has come to fruition...cinnamon dreams blowing away on the wind. Well, exactly two months, to the date and hour that one of my "Besherts" happened under a starry sky, I am hoping another one happened. The 27th is a dangerous date for me...its been responsible for the worst curses and most beautiful blessings I've ever recieved. Only 36 minutes until the danger has passed. And I am too afraid to admit to anything, but I want this Beshert to come true.

Until then I have nothing more to say. Except....Beshert

I have to leave for work in ten minutes...

2006-03-25T22:43:01Z

And I am having an AIM conversation that could open up a Pandora's box tonight. I still want to vomit...some Cowgirl in the sand. And I lied.....except to myself, which I think is the worst type. Dreams don't lie...especially ones that leave you a shaky, quaky Brazilian...trying not to vomit in a dorm shower as the scalding hot water tries to cleanse what no water can cleanse.

Ready, set Go...lights, camera, action! The spotlight is on the swirling Ruby in The Dust, the Cinnamon Dreamer.

We're disposable teens!

2006-03-22T03:42:20Z

I got an A on my German history paper on Xenophobia in Bismarckian Germany. 30% of my grade. Maybe I won't fail out of my history classes!!!! Woo hoo....super happy. Its sad that I get far more enjoyment and satisfaction out of knowing I got an A on something I worked so hard and long on then I do from boyzz. Haha...what a change of pace for me ehh?
Oh yeah...and I talked to Allie today..and if its ok with both of our parents then I could possibly visit her in El Paso this summer. Which would be amazing....I havent seen Allie since December, and i'd finally get to meet David, her boyfriend, who I talk to on AIM more than anyone else.
This def makes up for my phone flipping out and running on no sleep right now.
That, and my dad made me lots of yummy chicken basil sausage for dinner tonight that I took back with me to posada so i can eat some real food. Alrighty...off to spend some more quality time on my medieval paper. It's nice to invest time in something, care for it, nourish it, develop it, pour your essence and being into it...and well....get a return. Who knew?

But shes under me and i'm not stopping!

2006-03-21T04:48:31Z

Ok...so the Verizon store temporarily fixed my phone, but they are sending me a new one anyways since its under warranty. I would thus like to take the opportunity to document the rest of my night, which was SIGNIFICANTLY better than my hell of a day.
So Caitie and Matt Brailey and I went to the mall and then out to dinner...and had an ummm...interesting convo. We made up sexual positions/sexual descriptions of ourselves and people in our lives...see if you can guess which one describes some of mine (actually, please don't!!)

By Matt Brailey:
The European: The guy likes to drive on the wrong side of the road

Inspector Gadget: "Go go Gadget go!...in this one you spin around and around like a helicopter about to take off

Squeeze it: Exactly like the drink...you barely apply any pressure and the guy comes bursting out!

By Me:
Gushers: nibble on a little corner and prepare for the intense rush of flavor

The parking garage: drive in, stay for a while and pay on your way out

By Caitie:
Mission Control: directing the airplane into the right terminal

The lightning bolt: We'll leave this one up to your imagination...for the vertically challenged

Our failures: peeling potatoes, the wheelchair, the telephone pole, the gardener and the bedpan

In the white room with black curtains......

2006-03-17T08:26:46Z

I spin upside down around side and about. I put on my cream coloured badge advertising me as something different. A specimen in the zoo perhaps; a special specimen that can help your boyfriend find levi's in the perfect size, or perhaps a pretty little purse for that special darling strolling on your arm. Nautica or Calvin Klein sir? I stride and stride and swirl and spin, heels clicking as magically as Dorothy on the yellow brick road and all to no avail. It was all a dream, it was all a trick...a facade..crouching tigers in hidden jungles, behind the vast rainforest of clothes racks...jump, run, quick, or you might die...that python might wrap around you and squeeze out your last breath until you are no more than a lifeless husk hollowed out and naked on the floor. Naked, cold and dead they step over you to no end...the hordes, the masses, reeking of sour rotten sweat...tangy and impure...the quivering scent of excitement on the recirculated airconditioned breeze. I shake with memory and you vanish in front of my eyes like a puff of red smoke. Bam! $7.oo an hour to be the keeper of the keys, the grand master wizard of your secrets, the curly haired goddess clinging onto a fading oasis amidst clanging cash registers, beeping car horns, crying babies, and the sickenening repition: droning, never ending, forcing, decieving...a magic trick that promises you a hat but no rabbit. Vomit, spew, bitter bile onto the floor, alas, the python has swooped down from the branch and doomed the crouching tiger. The tiger who waited so patiently, who desereved so much, who deserved to live..hidden in the vain hope that cream coloured innocence and bitter crimson lust will not fade away....

And here i'm dancing on the ground, am I rightside up or upside down?

2006-03-13T17:06:38Z

Take 1. Lights, Camera, Action!

The cold wet sand squelches underfoot. Crisp, icy air circulates through my lungs...i'm in the shadows, in the darkness, rushing to get into the sunlight. I imagine the bliss of the buttery warmth; tangible and real....a dream, spinning spinning, upside down right side up. Like the words crooning softly to me from the back of my mind, the secret corner of my heart..."In this moment, ohhhhh, it feels so right". Kisses on a bitter January night,words of beauty whispered with warmth against a heart so cold. So dead. Tossing, turning tumbling like four year olds, grabbing hands, running down streets, chili dogs at 11pm, cookies and milk at midnight, and dancing under the stars at midnight. Swaying, swaying to the cacophony of my heart. And so I kept running yesterday morning...frenetically pounding the wet sand...chasing the sunlight, waiting for the sun, waiting for the sun, dreaming of buttery warm kisses. I kept chasing the sun, but could not get out of the darkness. Stuck in the shadows.

Take 2. Lights, Camera, Action!

The cold wet sand squelches underfoot. Crisp, icy air circulates through my lungs....i'm in the shadows, in the darkness, rushing to get into the sunlight. I imagine the bliss of the buttery warmth; tangible and real....a dream, spinning spinning, upside down right side up. And the more I imagine it, the more real it becomes. I'm running, sprinting up the phoneline trail, breathing in fire, in pain, spots dancing before my eyes, no longer able to breathe, cant breathe, cant breathe, drowning in the icy air spiraling down into the depths of my stomach. More spots, more dancing, the swirls merge into bodies softly swaying under the stars at midnight,a shooting star that should not have been possible, the tears flow freely, freezing in bitter tracks on crimson cheeks..."Lets go drive till morning comes, watch the sunrise and fill our souls up". My sobs choke out the words, they echo across the flat, silent canyons. Echo sweetly with lust, passion, and hope. I reached the sunlight. The buttery warmth spread across my body, filling me up from the inside out, overflowing with its love. "Is this real or am I dreaming?" An epiphany, a cacophony, an orgy, a cathartic moment at the top of a canyon...screaming my love into the silence, into the shadows that are always trying to take us over. They lurk behind every corner, they live in the corners of my heart and your heart. So I stand at the top of this canyon, alone, out of the shadows, no longer waiting for the sun because it has come, it has lit up my life. I stand here, the wind whistling mournfully around me...shadows and sunlight, death and life, loss and love, despair and hope. The tango of life, as beautiful as swaying on a tropical beach in your arms, lust and passion sending fire through my veins. As beautiful as love. As beautiful as friendship. There are so many forms of beauty. In life there is death, and in death there is life. I scream it out, my throat scratched red and bitter and raw... my love, proclaimed it, choked it out.....and was filled up. Filled up with love.

Finito! Lights, Camera, Life, Death, Love , Lust....ACTION!

Last dance with Mary Jane

2006-03-09T06:27:01Z

One more time to kill the pain

January 18th, January 27th, February 23rd, March 1st, March 8th

Give myself to you from the essence of my being!

2006-03-02T23:07:58Z

Its summer! And I could not be happier. Summer is by far my favorite season in the year. I love nothing more than when i'm hiking to feel the pulsating rays of the sun penetrating my skin, turning it golden brown, with the musky scent of sweat and coconut sunscreen wafting up to my nostrils. Today after German history I just could not stop walking around the mall...I did circle after circle until I could smell my skin burning with the heat of the sun and smell that familiar scent. Of course I was listening to El Vacilon, Gipsy Kings, Sublime and Matisyahu, cause to me, those are all the sounds of summer....the sounds of silent canyons where you can hear your breath drawn in ragged gasps, the sights of tropical far away beaches lit up under explosive crimson sunsets, the taste of tangy salt kisses, and of course the essence of my being.
**sighs**
I want to do nothing more than get in my car, drive to Sabino Canyon, and hike the phoneline trail. Instead I must return to reading about Catherine of Siena for medieval history...Grrrr...
On the plus side, I got another plus on my reading response for German history instead of just a check, I changed my minor to anthropology and am super excited to do the biology part of anthro, i'm going home tomorrow to pick up my new razor cell phone!!!, I talked to my dad about living with Mia and he's definitely open to the idea (YAY!), I have a 91.25% in spanish, and im eating dinner with Lily tonight.
Well, if I cant go hike in the sun im at least going out into the oval to bask in it while reading!

effeminatesteve @ 2006-01-10T01:04:00

2006-01-10T08:04:35Z

Just made my facebook album, and it is awesome!!! SO HAPPY!!!

I think this picture is the best representation of how I feel right now...

2006-01-09T22:42:48Z

And its not a bad thing. In one night I learned how to drive a manual car and wield a knife. Over winter break i've learned how to (stealing a quote from a third eye blind song) ~put the past away~. Looking forward to next semester...I feel like setting FIRE to this life....I cant wait for it to begin!

A prime example of stupidity plus dehydration:

2006-01-06T00:05:04Z

While hanging out with Will (the Will thats a senior at foothills) at Starbucks today. He holds up two fingers, and says
W : "What letter is this"
Me: two
W: No, Stefanie...what LETTER
Me: Ohhhh....vagina!...wait, vagina's not a letter
Will: Good job figuring that out there

....hey, I hiked the entire phoneline by myself today...i'm alotted some stupidity

How does it feel when you're out on your own?

2006-01-01T08:13:13Z

Its hard to be free when you're down on your knees.
Live a big lie and they all believe.
Cause lies weigh more than truth

The wisdom of the Goo Goo Dolls. My goal is for 2006, to not make any goals. To not make any resolutions. To not make any die hard rules that I MUST live by. I'm Just doing one thing. Getting up off my knees. I'm going to dream as much as I want, because telling myself I can't is like telling an alcoholic not to drink. I'm going to run, to hike, to write, to live, to LOVE, and to enjoy and cherish every moment in life that brings me a smile.

~All hand on deck boys, this ship's about to sink~

I live on a sinking ship. We all do. "Don't lose the dreams inside your head, cause one day soon, you will be dead". I'm delirious with exhaustion right now. I guess i'm just saying....I always try so hard to change myself, so people will like me better. "If I just lose 20lbs, it will all be ok...cause then guys will want to date me....cause then he will want me". That was my old mentality from high school. I didn't need the new year and a ridiculous resolution to get that thought out of my head. One horrible experience, and one bittersweet one has pretty much taken care of it. I am WHO I am. The words spoken from the lips of someone who has so much hold over my life right now has made me realize that. I have stolen his words for the last two months without ever truly realizing their significance. "This is who I am, this is what I do".

2005, just like life, was bittersweet. The first half was marked with an ending of all i've ever previously known. And it was glorious because it was the sweetest ending i've ever experienced, but bitter because my amazing high school experience had to be left behind. I had to move on. The second half was marked with pain, and it was bittersweet because it was the hardest transition and initiation to something i've ever experienced, but sweet because of the nights of overwhelming passion--passion that made me feel alive and feminine in ways I never knew possible-- that balanced out the pain, and memories with friends that I will cherish for years to come.

Well, 2006 , get ready. Because here comes Stefanie Taub. Exactly the same as she was in 2005. Exactly the same and with no aspirations to change...only aspirations to grow, and blossom, and mature, and wisen into a woman rich with the experiences, both good and bad that life has to offer. I wake up with tears dried in salty tracks on my face, and go to sleep with a smile softening the corners of my lips. Life so bittersweet. I wouldn't change it for one moment. This is who I am, this is what I do.

You're like water for my soul when I get thirsty......

2005-12-29T04:06:20Z

Today, I saw Memoirs of a Geisha. It was freakin FABULOUS. One of the few movies i've ever seen that's worthy of being named after the book it was written for...I recomend you all see it. There really is no other word to describe the movie than beautiful--sheer overwhelming, overpowering, carnal beauty....the sort that makes you literally forget to breathe. The vibrant colors, passionate expressions, and fiery charged emotions drew me in to a state of complete enrapturement that was hard to break free from. Its quite rare for a camera to be able to capture the vibrancy of life the way they did....I have a hard enough time trying to put everything into words. Imagine trying to explain LIFE through mere visions?
Un-FREAKING-believable. This movie has made my day. Although, I have been having a pretty sweetizzle winter break in general. When I finally went to sleep last night, I danced under a tahitian sunset. I awoke to passion under a blood red sky.......not many people can do that. What a vivid, beautiful dream. So much beauty in my life. Alright, im out ppl.....bed time---hopefully in Tahiti

Out of darkness comes light.........

2005-12-28T09:28:20Z

The CD that the 23yr old from work burned for me (I can spell his name now, its Anson)...anyways, the CD that Anson burned for me turned out to contain this one song i've heard recently that i've been obesessed with.
It's quite normal for me to listen to music and fantasize...to dream, to desire, to live and to relive and relove the moments of my past. But this song...this song is the future for me. I listen to this song and envision images flashing across my eyes, watching them dance through my dreams, weave through my heart, and burn and scar themselves deep in the darkness of my soul.
Out of darkness comes light.
Drinking Italian sodas tonight at 1 am with Anson, Adam and Farzin....coworkers who have chosen to include me in their circle...their circle by which I am most definitely the baby (by about 6 years), I felt a surge of acceptance. Acceptance on a level I did not know before.
And then I came home and ate about 2500 calories. And right now I am doing everything I can to vomit. Vomit because I am so sick right now, so fucking sick, disgusting, and WEAK that I cannot even lay down to sleep. Food filling every empty portion of my body. Clenching, unclenching. Breathe in, breathe out....
Food filling me up.......so sick, drowning in the sickening plethareau of calories, literally unable to breathe--in pain, in pain. Being this FULL hurts.
Almost as bad as how empty I was before.
This song is the future for me. Out of night comes day. Nights that melt into days, gently touching each other on the spot where the world comes alive in the ethereal radiating sunlight, brilliant sapphire sky overhead, pearly white clouds stretching to the heavens...I am swaying. Swaying and dancing around a fire on a tropical beach in a faraway land---olive glistening bodies swaying suggestively in each others grasp, emerald waves gently crashing, hot white sand underneath, sweet sweat souring the taste of red wine kisses, salt ocean breeze drawn deep in every breath, rising and falling in symphony with the crashing of the foaming water ........
Just thinking about this, about thousands of endless scenes my future holds, or can hold, fills me with the strangest longing and desire. I literally ached tonight thinking about...ached as if my body had nothing in it...pain wracking every empty crevice of my heart.
And now....well now, I just want to vomit. Vomit it all up. Every chocolate, piece of candy, and piece of my soul that has been filled with this fradulent sweetness. Vomit up the depth of my understanding...wishing for the simplicity that graces so many.
Out of darkness comes light...."This is who I am, this is what I do"
So who am I?
For the first time in my life I feel like this is a question that does not require a definitve answer. I fall and pick myself back up...I ache, I cry, I SCREAM, I sabotage, I curse third eye blind into the frigid black desert sky, I run until I CAN breathe, I write, I dream of someone next to me, I dream...of the past, of the future, of love, relationships, friends, understanding and people in general, I PRAY, I pray for everyone in my life, I watch the sunset, and I see the leaf spinning on the wind...the leaf unnoticed by so many...spinning gently on the wind before it floats away on the cool desert air to a death far away from its vibrant and explosively colorful life.
I do all of this...and most of all, what I do most of all, is well...I live. I go to school, work at Macy's, eat dinner with my dad, hike with Kelsey, talk with friends, and experience nights of passion. Typical life of a nineteen year old?
So who am I?
Oh yeah, Stefanie Taub.
Right now, I am dancing under a blood red tahitian sunset, being embraced in the sweet kiss of true depth and understanding, salt sweetening--not marring---our mango love. The waves are crashing all around me....the waves are gently crashing....our smooth, lithe, glistening bodies merge.....become one. Become one.
Because.....Out of darkness comes light.

Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkizzle!

2005-12-25T19:11:01Z

Umm..yeah. Thats all I have to say folks.

Why I love Rebecca Strautman and Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepperizzle

2005-12-24T07:41:05Z

Here my friends, is the product of mass work, hunger, diet soda, and general self perversion

nonoxynnol9: i'm acting like a 5-year-old.
EffeminateSteve: no you arent
EffeminateSteve: a five year old wouldnt be stat raping anyone
nonoxynnol9: ...HAHAHAHA, jesus christ.
nonoxynnol9: you are right.
EffeminateSteve: they would be the victim
nonoxynnol9: yes... *sigh* i would much rather be the victim.
EffeminateSteve: me too
EffeminateSteve: except, im sure the ass raped 5 year old begs to differ
EffeminateSteve: HAHAHAH
nonoxynnol9: well, 5-year-old, probably.
EffeminateSteve: i just imagine you raping a 5 year old
EffeminateSteve: i dont know why thats funny
nonoxynnol9: lol, thanks a lot!
EffeminateSteve: and i just snorted soda out of my nose!!!!!!
EffeminateSteve: hHHAHAHAHAHA
nonoxynnol9: lol!!!
EffeminateSteve: O MG i am dying over here!!!!!!!!!1
EffeminateSteve: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm the one for you, cause I know all the dirty things you like to do

2005-12-23T20:30:58Z

Is one of my favorite lines from a song ever. When asked by the 23 yr old guy from work the other day (I cant spell his name, so until I can stalk him for nametag purposes, he shall be known as the 23yr old guy)....anyways, so, when asked by him the other day what one of my favorite things was...I answered....history. Wow....what a real conversation starter. What was really going through my mind though, what was racing across my eyes even as I lamely answered history, was this image of me doing what I do every night. Speeding by myself after work...roaring, tearing, racing for my life down to the end of Broadway. Windows and moonroof open to the heavens, stars above, freezing desert air numbing my hands. Shaking and trembling from the cold, yet letting its icy numbness wash over me as I scream Third Eye Blind, Goo Goo Dolls, Dave Matthews, The Rippingtons, or whatever strikes me at the moment into the sky. Scream as red and passion wash over me, warming me from the depths of my soul, striking away the cathartic icy numbness of the flat black desert night.

I love to write, to speed, to dream, to think, to walk, to wish, to feel....to feel passion.

Instead, I answered.....history.

Which sparked an hour long conversation. And yesterday, was a GREAT day. Even though I literally almost died from exhaustion. Everday should be a good day to die. I never understood that before. But everyday should be the best you have because you never know when it will be your last. One of my other lessons learned this semester shared with Livejournal.

So I answered history. And yesterday, he came into work and surprised me with a book to borrow, called Constantine's Sword (about the church and the jews...i told him my love for jewish history), and two burned CD's. Who does stuff like that anymore? Who is actually just nice for the sake of being nice. I am honestly surprised that he heard a word I said. How can anything that comes out of my mouth be interesting? Talking about the history of jews while visions of screaming into the icy wind dance across my eyes. While red and fire, heat and life pour out of my warm trident cinnamon scented breath and meet the numb dark night. Cinnamon kisses, flat numb desert night.

It’s all in your mind she said
The darkness and the light
The clock it bleeds for you
But you never got the time in right
I woke you up
And I slit the throat of your confidence
AND WE LAUGHED IN THE NIGHT
And I felt all right
All hands on deck boys
Cause this ship was made to sink
Your swabber salutes you now
But I know what he’s thinking
I woke you up
And I slit the throat of your confidence
And we laughed in the night
And I felt all right
Thanks a lot
Thanks a lot
Thanks a lot
THE CLOTHES SHE WEARS MIS-FIT
And she’s nervous when she speaks
Her zombie mom and dad
Live in a separate house of freaks
I woke you up
AND I SLIT THE THROAT OF YOUR CONFIDENCE
And we laughed in the night
And I felt all right
Thanks a lot
Thanks a lot
Thanks a lot
I'M THE ONE FOR YOU
CAUSE I KNOW ALL THE DIRTY THINGS YOU LIKE TO DO
I’m the fear in your eyes
I’m the FIRE in your flies
I’m the sound that’s buzzing around your head
Thanks a lot
Thanks a lot
Thanks a lot
Thanks a lot

Today, I hiked in God's Country.........

2005-12-20T00:02:06Z

Kelsey and I did eleven miles! And let me tell you, the phoneline trail is a piece of cake compared to the eleven mile vertical ascent of Douglas Spring.

I literally felt like I was climbing the stairway to heaven. Climbing, stumbling, jumping and pushing myself up rock after rock for hour after hour I became overwbelmed with an amazing love for my body. In one week it has accomplished something I never thought it could do. I did the impossible, I pushed myself to so many physical and mental limits, and next time, we are trying for 12 miles. This is by FAR the worthiest thing I have accomplished since moving into the dorms on that hot, dismal past summer day of August 17th.

I feel so ALIVE right now. My legs are trembling, and I cannot get out of bed. But it doesnt matter. None of the pain matters. For 7 hours today I conquered God's Country. I climbed the stairway to heaven. I climbed it, and I didn't fall back down once.

(btw, Kelsey is putting pics up on facebook. Check them out to see how HOT we are all sweaty and covered in dirt and desert brush)

She's running to stand still........

2005-12-18T21:06:11Z

I hiked the phoneline with Kelsey again today. All 9 miles of it. And tomorrow we are going to do Douglas Spring Trail....about 11-13 miles total.

This brings my total for the week to.....
Hours worked at Macy's: 31
Miles hiked: Approximately 40

My body is wracked in pain right now. But I feel accomplished. I am the type of person who needs to have a goal at all times in order to feel like my life has some purpose. Perhaps that is one of the MANY reasons why this semester was so frustrating.

Hmmmm.....I am excited mostly for my exercise goal. Hard Work Brings Hard Bodies. Pain is just weakness exiting the flesh. I always thought those mottoes were nauseatingly cliche....but there is definitely some relevance. You can have your cake and eat it too. Or you can fit into that black little number you have been eyeing for the last few months at Victoria's Secret.

I choose the little black number. Eight weeks. And I will be presentable. I will be worthy. Thats my goal. That's my guarantee.

(Making this public means that I now must go through with it....)

But everyday should be a good day to die....................

2005-12-17T15:24:25Z

Yesterday I ended up doing the ENTIRE phoneline trail with Kelsey. That's almost 9 miles and three and a half hours of hiking.

I found the perfect spot when we were hiking. The spot that called to me in its perfect expression of my soul. Almost near the top.....a clear view down the entire swooping valley. Brilliant turquoise sky overhead, rich crumbling brown rocks underfoot, crisp sweet desert air inhaled sharply through an icy throat, tears of pain--more than one type---blurring my vision. Sunlight slowly creeping, its buttery warmth struggling to reach me.

Struggling to reach me. But it was too soon. Too early. So I was left in the icy, dark numbness of the overhang staring at the beauty of the earth unfolding around me.

Staring at the sun welcoming the world, clenching and unclenching my blue hands, visions dancing in front of my stinging eyes....imagining. Dreaming, imagining, wishing and waiting. Separation of no consequence. Dreaming the dreams that cause me to wake up and face the morning with dried tears on my cheeks. Music ingrained in my heart, flowing through my veins, competing with the soft whistle of the bitter wind swirling and swallowing me whole. Picturing a vision of pure sweet innocence on this spot....this spot thousands of feet up, removed from the ills of man, untouched, white, virginal, chaste, beautiful and simple. Touched by God---a mirror of my soul and desires. The perfect expression of my passion....a place to make love. In more than one manner.

The spot where the sunlight struggles to reach me. Where I am left in the remaining darkness of night, dreaming of visions.....of red wine lips, of what could be, of beauty, of life, of love.

"Don't lose the dreams inside your head, they'll only be there until your dead........"

I've been a naughty girl......

2005-12-17T06:13:13Z

Take the quiz:
What Is Your Kink?

Submission
You live to serve! You're most excited when someone else takes the reins and controls the situation. You're happy to do whatever will make your partner happy, even if it isn't your favorite thing to do. In the bedroom, you aim to please. Your motto is, Yes Sir/Ma'am!

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

HAHAHAHAHAH!!! I am lusty. What a surprise......NOT

2005-12-17T05:52:45Z

Take the quiz:
Find out which SIN you are!

Red Sin
You are a sexy, and powerful woman. You go for something and you get it.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!</cenh>

I can't live with or without you..........

2005-12-16T06:58:50Z

I am excited for the following reasons:

1) I am going hiking with Kelsey again tomorrow morning, and I hiked 7.5 miles today
2) My mom got me my Christmas gift early, and for the first time in my ENTIRE life I have experienced the sheer shallow bliss promulgated by capatilistic materialism. $100 stilleto heel beautiful brown leather Antonio Melani boots.
3) Laura let me borrow 4 CD's, and this U2 CD--Joshua Tree--is un-freaking-believable
4) We had a hearty dinner of Gentle Ben's spinach artichoke dip and penguins for dessert, even though I literally was suffering hypothermia by the time I finished the last drop of my orgasmic chocolate cheesecake with mint cookie crumble. (Bad sign for my future creative writing pursuit--I suck at grammar and I am a whore of run on sentences)
5) We sat around in Laura's room doing nothing. Which is EXACTLY what I wanted to do. It almost reminded me of high school. And then I looked in the mirror and had to face the fact that my 5 second blissful delusion was a facade.
6) I put all my classes for next semester on facebook. I now feel officially like a history major. And....I am now #1 on the waitlist to get into the 450 level Medieval european history class that I hope to replace my Mexican history class with.
7)I didnt have to work today! ~I do have to work 19 hours this weekend though =(
8)I can't live with or without you is one of those unbelievably amazing songs that you have known without ever actually specifically knowing your entire life. And right now, I cant stop listening to it.
9)I truly can't live with or without you. I realized this today.
10) I now have a plan. And if I can make it, which will take all my willpower, it will come to fruition on April 28th, 2006.
11) I showed Laura the um....measurement....technique that Allie showed me. And we laughed about my patheticness/excitement about it. And at how some lines seem so good in context but so stupid sitting over a spinach artichoke dip at Gentle Ben's. **cough cough making comparisons cough cough**

~~~~I can't live with or without you~~~~
That goes to Laura's awesome gingery buttery cookies.